When Someone Blames You for Not Taking His Side

First of all, we try to ask someone to let go of an issue we can’t agree with him on. Ideally, we don’t ask someone to let go of an issue if it won’t let go of him or her, yet. We just listen until he or she works it out or gets stuck in a corner and needs us to pull him or her out of it. Though letting go is lauded, it often involves invalidating someone’s feelings. It is very hard to let go of feelings. It’s different from focusing cognitively on something; it’s visceral–and hurts, so we need to talk it out–to vent, sometimes.

Next, we don’t have to take sides. When someone asks for this he or she is insecure and when he or she expects it, that’s bordering on control. If a person wants your allegiance, he or she is asking for you to surrender your feelings and your mind and your freedom. Strong, healthy people who love one another don’t do this. Weak people in co-dependent relationships do. And, lots of people do it because, 1. they think friends are members of their armies, and, 2. they don’t understand love and friendship, which require people to be free and to be themselves–not what friends and lovers want them to be.

You do nothing wrong by disagreeing with someone. You can say you understand, or that you empathize. You can share in the pain, but to be a friend you shouldn’t fake agreement. This paints a false picture of who you are and will set up misunderstanding and co-dependence.


Get to Your Goals

there is the reason we set up goals in our lives

there are plenty of obstacles to our goals and they appear every moment of everyday

in our attempts to do what we must you do from moment to moment it is easy to become fatigued

we are natural beings requiring rest and so this fatigue causes us to settle

so before you know it the obstacles have become your daily routine and you get no closer to your goals by settling into a life of obstacles

you can tell that you are settling by two main factors and one is you are surrounded by things that you’re very interested in but you really not taking a part in them

you see their traces on your walls

on your bookshelves

in your bag

but you’re really not doing anything about them

sometimes we are so surrounded by the things we had intended to be a part of we do not even recognize them until we go shopping or until someone asks us what we want to do

you know that you really care about something when it’s the first thing out of your mouth when someone asks you what you want to do

you know that you really care about something when you go to the bookstore and that’s the subject that you seek out before any other, whether it is “practical” or not

or when you are in a waiting room and you pick up a magazine or allow your thoughts to center on a person, place, or subject

if our lives become a routine of surviving, doing chores, going to work, cleaning, the things we really wanted we may never get to, have, or do–unless we are doing chores and surviving on the path to what we want

sometimes on the path to what we want, we decide the best way to get here to what is to do things the smartest way… but sometimes the smartest way takes the longest and before we realize it, those things we want are just on the shelf, surrounding us, or in our bags… and in our hearts, having become merely dreams

if you are not satisfied with just surviving, with being in the wrong place, with dreaming about what you want… you should wake up every day with the intention of paying a little thought to what is really most important to you–and one of the first things on your mind should be where you going and what you are doing that day–and close or far it will take you to your goals.

think about when you want to do what you want to do and how close you are to going there and doing it today

setting a goal is not enough

dreaming of someday doing something is dreaming

saying it will happen at the right time is fantasy

and saying you will do it only in the best way is like saying it will never happen, unless you are taking the beat steps to doing it, today

Korean American

I met this young man on the plane

A Korean by birth

But American in the main

We spoke a lot

Of everything

And spoke of Korea

Which eased my pain

And if you could meet him

I think to you, I would seem more sane

He said the children of preachers here

To him it seemed were a little but queer

Or did he say they were strange?

Thinking of you, I saw his view

But you’re wonderful

So this gave me pain

Yet it showed me recognition,

It showed me vindication,

It showed me echoed opinion,

And sympatico in frustration

Still it showed me what was plain

It told me that I’m not alone

In sensing your hidden stresses at home

And then he said they want control

And who could blame them,

Who learn that roll?

In Korea he worked

At no school

That treated foreigners by The Rule,

So I thought of you

And how you might think

If you heard him that

I am no fool

Koreans, he said, can’t do it alone

Abused by Japan and China old

He said She’s young

She needs some time;

And those who don’t leave can’t see our mind

He said he could never marry a girl; a girl from Korea, not of the world

So I lamented

As he spoke

‘Clearly he’s smart and honest folk’

And in the end he’d said what they’ve said,

When we come so far;

When we come from the West

We suffer culture shock and stress

He’s had too much

Too well digest

So he needs a break

To see

He needs to see

Like me and you

Like me

©January 2, 2011


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